Emotional intelligence isn’t always something we are born with but instead something that we learn and develop within ourselves throughout our lifetimes. Reaching certain academic heights and having a high IQ are certainly ways to exercise your intellect, however, emotional intelligence is the ability to convey the knowledge you have and employ it in a meaningful way. I see it as the practice and management of one’s own personality as well as their ability to understand others.
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Often our perceptions of the world and the people in it are incorrect. How we interpret different situations or new people we encounter is driven by our brains outside our conscious awareness. Let me explain a little more here…
Our brains and therefore our decision making is almost always riddled with unconscious bias. We know what we like and dislike, which comes from various social influences like family, friends, colleagues, media, our own experiences and past memories, as well as superficial physical qualities such as tone of voice, body language, facial expressions and so on. All of these lead our brains to record information and form opinions. It is no surprise then that the same event or the same person can be described in completely different ways by two different people.
We like to think that we know ourselves, but perhaps that isn’t always the case. A lot of our subconscious brain activity, driven by the biases, some of which I have highlighted above, inhibits us from making the right decisions, therefore restricting us in communication with others, and in interpreting other people’s feelings.
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Sometimes it is good to stop oneself and be aware that your judgement may be clouded. If you accept that you have this ability to make errors, you’re already half way there. You start thinking objectively, with no bias emotion involved.
In order to help this process, start learning different peoples character traits and what it is that drives them to behave how they do. Once you start understanding others, it will pave an easier path to understanding yourself. It will also make it easier to express empathy.
Not so long ago, an Indian healer said to me: “Begin by asking yourself the right questions.” How often do we ask ourselves things like “what is the real reason for this person being angry?” or “what has motivated this person to say this about me?” These kinds of questions are especially common in a competitive working environment, where people often adopt a quick fight or flight attitude, not fully understanding the consequences of their actions on others.
We have to understand the motivational purpose of other people’s doings before we jump to conclusions and are able to respond more constructively. When we start sensing what might be driving other people’s behaviour, empathy and even forgiveness is key.
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If we want to make it a rule of thumb, scientists have categorised people into four personality types – mobilisers, navigators, energisers and synthesisers.
If you’d like to know more I would recommend reading some of Linda Berens’ studies in the US – “In-Charge”, “Chart-the-Course”, “Get-things-going” and “Behind the scenes”. There’s also the 1978 book by Keirsey D and Bates M, “Please Understand Me: Character and Temperament Types”.
Knowing about these four styles that people typically fall into when they interact with others can give you better self awareness and awareness of others.
Is it a person who is quick to push for action with immediate results? It would explain his/her quick movements, quick manner or speech, straightforwardness and determination. They are called mobilisers. Or maybe it’s a person who pushes for the course of action? Navigators are often seen as serious and focused and speaking in a deliberate manner to convey their course of action. The energisers are easily recognised by speaking almost too enthusiastically and they can be seen overly expressive, while synthesisers can be described as people behind the scenes, often coming across as unassuming and approachable.
Of course people are more complicated than can be described in one model, but the four different characters described above are specific to how we interact with others. They can also be highly situational, that is to say we can adopt and flex our characters depending on the needs of the situation.
Bearing all this in mind is useful but it is merely a shortcut. True emotional intelligence involves years of practice and learning oneself. We must find a perfect balance between our inner and outer worlds and manage our unique personality types positively to achieve the best outcomes.
