“Try holding your child firmly until the tantrum passes”- This was the advice I read in a well-respected paediatric magazine. Well, sir, when your child weighs almost 23 pounds, I can tell you it’s easier said than done!
Of course I knew all about terrible twos with my first-born, but everything was a little crazy with her, so even the tantrums didn’t come as too much of a surprise after I’d already dealt with a year of puking up milk; chicken pox; hand, foot and mouth; and all the other wonderful maladies babies are unfortunate enough to attract.
The terrible twos have just kicked into gear with my second child, however, and I will hold my hands up and say it’s a struggle!
He has started to throw himself on the floor, throwing his head backwards, and lying there, crying his guts out for attention (regardless of whether it’s a nice heated floor at home or a cold pavement in the street). Of course some children have more tantrums than others and there are different factors that contribute to their severity – stress, hunger, tiredness or just overstimulation – but sometimes I think kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.
Often, I think, they do it to annoy the grown ups or invoke a certain reaction. Now, hear me out here. When grownups argue we always use language, and by saying certain things we incite a specific reaction in the person we are quarrelling with. Your little ones cannot communicate fully yet, so their way of getting a reaction is through throwing a tantrum.
We’d just finished a wonderful meal at Aubaine on High Street Kensington, he’d had his favourite chicken with mash, followed by a macaron for dessert. He was happy as Larry walking around the tables and flirting with nearby customers. As soon as I start putting his coat on to leave, however, he immediately throws himself to the floor and starts flailing and screaming at the top of his lungs, only to pause for a quick second and look at my face. I know he is checking my reaction. It was his way of saying “Mum, I want to stay, and I don’t want to do what you’re doing.”
You see, toddlers want independence and control over their environment — often more than they are capable of handling. This can lead to power struggles as a child thinks “I can do it myself” or “I want it, give it to me.” When kids discover that they can’t in fact do it themselves, nor can they have everything the way they want, they often express themselves through tantrum. Learning to deal with this frustration is a skill that children gain over time. Of course it’s easy to analyse your kids from behind the comfort of your laptop, but it can be a lot more difficult to stay calm when you’re in the midst of a 2-year-old’s very noisy public breakdown. Every mum has had those days that need to be ended by a very stiff drink.
Like us adults, kids also need to vent their frustrations and as a parent, you need to ensure that they do so in a non-destructive way.
There are two approaches I use, depending on the situation.
– The lazy mum: for me this usually works when we are outside somewhere or with friends. If the tantrum does happen outside, make sure it is a safe place and just let your child go through the turmoil. I try to keep as calm as possible, occasionally comforting him and trying to distract his attention with a new activity. This doesn’t always work at first, and you definitely need patience. Eventually they will realise you are not angered or distracted by the outburst and soon tire themselves out. Luckily kids have pretty short attention spans so their minds are easy to divert.
– The disciplinarian mum: even though toddlers are little, they are still very self-aware and also aware of other people’s reactions. I try not to use disciplinarian tactics outside of the home as it can be demeaning and embarrassing for the little one.
I call this method the “contained time-out approach”. I take my toddler, explain to them what they’ve done wrong and put them in a quiet space – usually their bedroom. I try to stay as calm as possible. Rather than setting a specific time limit, I monitor my little one occasionally to make sure they’re safe and to let them know I’m close by. I let them know they must stay there until their temper has subsided. This is particularly effective for pre-schoolers and older kids and I practice this often with Ana. In a sense, it can be empowering for the child, in that the kids can affect the outcome by their own actions, and thus regain the sense of control that was lost during the tantrum. However, if the time-out is for negative behaviour (such as aggressive outbursts) in addition to a tantrum, I’d recommend you set a time limit.
It’s no secret that as kids mature they start to learn self-control. Cooperation, communication and methods of managing frustration will come to them naturally, but it doesn’t hurt to start the process as soon as they are old enough to understand it. Less frustration for your little ones, equals more happiness for you, and we all know Mums need every bit of help they can get!
