If I were to ask, “do genes influence you and your children’s personalities?” you may be quick to think that’s a stupid question. How often do we say, “Oh, he is just like his daddy or mummy!” jokingly implying that genes are to blame. We all have our theories about why we are as we are, or why our kids act out in the way they do, however a lot of recent evidence seems to suggest that genes may not have such a pivotal role to play. And this conclusion doesn’t come from a lack of trying: the UK and US has spent billions of dollars on genetic research.
I’m wearing a caftan by Yiorgos Koulasidis and jewellery by Maria Etho
Trying to analyse my own kids’ personalities and how to handle them has led to unearthing some interesting literature like “The Gardener and the Carpenter” by Alison Gopnik, “Love bombing” and “Not in your genes,” both by Oliver James. It was in fact the latter that prompted me to write this post.
The writer uses various examples and identical twin studies to prove one simple, yet significant point – almost all inherited features or traits are the products of complex interactions of numerous genes and there is no one genetic trigger that is responsible for our character traits, dispositions and even opinions. He argues that nurture (not nature!) has almost everything to do with how our children -and indeed ourselves – turn out!
Sometimes, as parents, we don’t even realise we’re doing things that could have negative repercussions later in life for our children. This can stem from way back, our own upbringings and our own vulnerabilities and strengths. Subconsciously, or consciously, parents often aim to recreate known parenting techniques, or, on the contrary, aim to parent in the complete opposite way.
It’s not an easy topic to discuss in just one post and I’m certainly not qualified enough to give a straightforward solution. However, certain things I read gave insight into how my own beliefs and experiences made me approach parenting.
Bad parenting is often hard to recognize in ourselves! For example, when birth order affects parenting: you may raise two kids differently based on who was born first, which could explain their divergent personalities later in life.
Emotional or material overindulgence can of course have a negative impact on a child, yet the parent in the situation may see not see this. The mum or dad might feel like they are giving their child everything, when in fact they are raising a person who could be susceptible to frustration when they don’t get what they want, showing little appreciation, minimal work ethic, difficulty being independent and holding onto expectations that no-one can fulfil. It’s easy to see how this can create a mean, disgruntled and dissatisfied adult. Bad parenting can take many forms, that to the parent engaging in it, looks and feels like good parenting, until their child is an adult. Then, wthe evidence is suddenly unmistakable.
The photo is taken in Corfu Imperial Hotel
But perhaps it is just easier to blame genetics. Or say that “I’m ok and you’re not!” – another one of the test hypothesis used in James’ book. I think the whole edifice of personal responsibility collapses if we merely accept that our genes are to blame for out negative traits. And that shouldn’t be the case!
Apparently the human brain is so malleable, especially in youth and adolescence, that by practicing good habits and nurturing kids in a supportive and caring environment, we can change even the worst behavioural patterns. To understand further I suggest reading James’ other book “Love Bombing”. He provides practical examples for children of all ages.
So do our genes influence our personalities? I guess there’s no simple answer. It’s hard to say that we don’t see elements of our own personalities in our own children, but it would seem that creating an environment that allows a child to flourish should be handled with equal importance.
